Here's the thing: I am determined to handle everything myself. That's what I do. Overwhelmed by schoolwork? No problem; I can cope. Too much happening at work? Hey, I'm the director; dealing with stuff is what I do. Life in general is too busy, too tough, and too tiring? I'll sleep next month; this month I'm taking care of everything.
(For the record: I know I've been getting some help, so if you're reading this and thinking, "Hey, I fed you ice cream when you were too overwhelmed to cope," understand that I fully acknowledge that and really, really appreciate it. That kept the emotional side under control.)
Right now I'm tired. Really, really, really tired. I've been putting in too many 11 hour days at work (that would be: more than 1 each week) and doing schoolwork and whatever else has to be done (cook, clean, teach Sunday School, prepare Junior Church stuff, Bible studies, socializing enough that people don't call me a hermit....). Plus, it's at the point where I can't switch off my mind and I'm not sleeping well and when I do sleep my dreams are tangled messes of everything going through my mind.
(As a side note: if you have children and are thinking that I'm whining because I don't know what busy is....stuff it. Single people have busy, overwhelming lives, too. It's just a different business which is sometimes caused by people who think married people have easy lives and tons of time to do stuff.)
It's time to stop that nonsense. Next week I'm taking a day off (it's my sick day from March 23 when I was actually sick; this is the first day I could take off). Further, I am not thinking about work or school that day. In May, I'm getting my Sunday School helper to take over teaching (I would do it now, but there's no time to get her the stuff by this Sunday and next Sunday is a review of this Sunday and then it's May). I have permission to get some of my staff to help with the admin stuff, so I'll arrange that starting next week. And sometimes, in the evenings, I'll order pizza and read a book or watch TV....and not feel guilty about not being productive. I'll invite a friend over so we can be unproductive together.
I'm done insisting that I can do everything on my own. I'm also done insisting that it all has to be perfect and that I have to be perfect (always prepared, coping with whatever comes along, dong it all so it's done right). Then maybe I'll reach the point where I can cope with whatever is left.
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2 comments:
Here here!! Enjoy your evenings of unproductiveness, it is a wonderful treat....
and that blog post I wrote on guilt....read it (just switch out mommy-guilt for over worked, at the end of her rope, perfectionist guilt!)
Love you.
I read it again, and you're right: this guilt at not being perect, be it a perfect mommy or a perfect employee or a perfect student, isn't from God. It's guilt over not living up to my own expectations or those of others, and it comes, at least partly, from not letting God be in control.
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