The First Week

We're just about a whole week into the new year. So far it seems to be okay. I've spent a lot of time thinking about things, and praying about things, and pondering who I want to be this year and what I want it to look like. Pastor James preached this sermon on New Year's Day, and it has me thinking about forgetting what is behind and focusing on what is ahead, and what I need to do in that regard. I've also been re-listening to this sermon from last summer, about the need for revival, and pondering that as well

Last year was rough in a lot of ways, and I didn't always respond well to the trials and pressures. This year I want things to be different. Things need to be different. I need to be different. As always, I have big ideas on how to make big changes, but we all know how that goes: really well for a few weeks, and then things slide back into old routines.

Instead, I'm praying a lot and waiting on God. I'm seeing the little things that need to be changed: forms of entertainment that I need to cut out because they distract me from what is important; ways of thinking that I need to stop when they sneak up on me; temptations that seem innocent but keep me focused on the world and not God.

To be clear: last year was not all bad. There were good things that happened, and God did a lot of work in my life. He made clear some sins that I was clinging to that needed to be confessed and repented of (both to Him and, sometimes, other people). He used the faithful preaching of His word by my pastors to move me closer to Him (sometimes by gently nudging, and sometimes by significantly less gentle means). I can see where He has been working in my life, pruning and shaping me, and smoothing out rough edges. It's been painful, but I can see the benefits, and I'm thankful for His work and the love that prompts Him to keep conforming me to His Son.

We'll see what this year brings. I want to know God better this year. It think it will require work, and it may be painful at times, but I also know that it is more than worth it to be more conformed to the likeness of Christ.

About Following Christ

The song says, "I have decided to follow Jesus". "Decided": past tense. Like it was one decision and that's taken care of and now I'm happily following Jesus all the time.

It's not like that. Following Jesus is a series of decisions that we make every day, sometimes the same decisions over and over. Will I watch this television show, or will I read (or even watch, or listen to) something edifying? Will I waste time (sometimes just because I'm feeling lazy), or will I use my time wisely? Will I keep putting myself first, or will I reach out to others who may need me? There are so many decisions every day, and all too often I know I make the wrong choice. I choose to follow the world or my own desires, and not to follow Christ.

Today my heart is heavy. I have a friend in the hospital because of an intentional overdose. I don't know her very well because I didn't take the time to get to know her. She lives close to me, and she suggested a couple times that we get together for coffee. I was always too busy with too many things and too many other people, and always agreed that we need to do that "when things slowed down". You know how it is: things never slow down. I never made the right decision.

Today I am thankful that my friend is on the mend, and that she's waking up, and responding to people. I am praying for her recovery and healing, and I am praying for myself. I am seeking God's forgiveness for the choices I made concerning her (and rejoicing in God's faithfulness and His promises of forgiveness), and praying for the chance to make the right choice and be in her life.

Every day we need to make the choice to follow Christ. Today I remembered that my choice to follow or not follow affect not only my own life, but also the lives of those around me. It's a great responsibility, and only through the power of the Holy Spirit can I keep choosing to follow Jesus. No turning back, no turning back.

A Rough Week

Last Sunday morning the phone rang. My phone rarely rings at 8:30 am since everyone in my world knows that at that time I'm either gone, getting ready to go, or asleep. It was my sister, calling to tell me that my Uncle John  (my mum's brother) had been found dead the night before. He was at home, he lives alone, he's retired, and the neighbours had not seen him for a few days and called the police. He was wearing his jacked and the dog had his collar on and they were by the door. They figured that he had been dead for 2-4 days before he was found and the autopsy showed that it was a heart attack.

Most of this came out over the course of the week. All we knew last Sunday is that he was dead, and had been dead for some days before he was found. That's all I knew as I left for church and tried to push it out of my mind so I could concentrate on my Sunday School class and then the babies in Junior Church. It would come back to strike me at odd moments during the morning and I would push it away until I could think about it.

My uncle and I were not terribly close, although we loved each other. He lived in Ottawa and we exchanged the occasional email (he would send pictures of the dog) and we'd have dinner together whenever he was in town. I wish now that I'd made more effort to stay in touch; I'm thinking about visiting my mum's other brother and his family sooner rather than later (I've been planning to visit "some time" for a long time now). I miss my uncle even though I hadn't seen him for several years now and it feels strange to miss someone I would otherwise only think about occasionally. It's strange, those family ties, and how they can fray without breaking and how much it hurts when they do break.

And added to that is knowing that he died alone and wasn't found right away. I live alone and I will tell you the truth: I've always wondered what will happen if I die, how long it will take for people to notice, if I will die alone. It's the one part of living alone that I really, really hate. And I know, logically, that between work and church and other stuff, someone will notice that I'm not around. I also know that when I'm dead, I will be with God and it won't matter to me if no one finds my body.

So it's been an emotional week.