The First Week

We're just about a whole week into the new year. So far it seems to be okay. I've spent a lot of time thinking about things, and praying about things, and pondering who I want to be this year and what I want it to look like. Pastor James preached this sermon on New Year's Day, and it has me thinking about forgetting what is behind and focusing on what is ahead, and what I need to do in that regard. I've also been re-listening to this sermon from last summer, about the need for revival, and pondering that as well

Last year was rough in a lot of ways, and I didn't always respond well to the trials and pressures. This year I want things to be different. Things need to be different. I need to be different. As always, I have big ideas on how to make big changes, but we all know how that goes: really well for a few weeks, and then things slide back into old routines.

Instead, I'm praying a lot and waiting on God. I'm seeing the little things that need to be changed: forms of entertainment that I need to cut out because they distract me from what is important; ways of thinking that I need to stop when they sneak up on me; temptations that seem innocent but keep me focused on the world and not God.

To be clear: last year was not all bad. There were good things that happened, and God did a lot of work in my life. He made clear some sins that I was clinging to that needed to be confessed and repented of (both to Him and, sometimes, other people). He used the faithful preaching of His word by my pastors to move me closer to Him (sometimes by gently nudging, and sometimes by significantly less gentle means). I can see where He has been working in my life, pruning and shaping me, and smoothing out rough edges. It's been painful, but I can see the benefits, and I'm thankful for His work and the love that prompts Him to keep conforming me to His Son.

We'll see what this year brings. I want to know God better this year. It think it will require work, and it may be painful at times, but I also know that it is more than worth it to be more conformed to the likeness of Christ.

Trying For Words

The past couple weeks have been a time of intense emotion for me. Ever since my Worship and Wisdom class, I've been trying to deal with thoughts and emotions that are too big for me to grasp. I haven't spoken much about it before now because I still don't really know that words. In fact, it was only yesterday that I even tried to find the words. I'm still not really sure.

This is what I know: the more I've been studying and learning about God and who He is (as Father, Son, and  Holy Spirit, sometimes together and sometimes as individuals), the greater God has been for me. I've seen glimpses of His glory, of how far above me He is, but it's always been parts of Him. The rest I've been able to keep sort of manageable.

Not anymore. Suddenly I can't keep God nice and manageable; He's too much, too great, too glorious. You know why the Bible says to fear the Lord? Because when you actually see how great He is and how tiny you are, fear is a proper response. This is God and we cannot control Him (and for someone with control issues you can imagine how well I'm dealing with this). No wonder Isaiah was undone and John fell down as if dead. I'm having enough trouble without having to see God.

And yet, at the same time, it's very, very wonderful and there isn't enough of me to worship God the way He deserves. I don't even know how to worship Him. I don't know how to respond.

That's where I'm at right now. I'm going to try working out my thoughts and feelings over the next however long it takes. Hopefully it will make some sense.