On Being Childless

Mother's Day is always tough. I'm glad I go to a church that doesn't make a big deal out of it and never, ever preaches a special sermon for moms. This year, though, there was a lunch after church and it included a baby shower (showers at my church tend to be "whole church" affairs and everyone just chips in for a gift). It didn't help. I spent most of the official "baby shower" time (we all had lunch and then gathered in one of the classrooms for the pastor's short talk and the presentation of the gift) in the hall with a friend's baby. It gave me a baby to hold and an excuse to skip the shower part.

Besides this, there's another new baby at church, at least 2 pregnancies, and I think a third (I don't know who; this is based on what someone couldn't say). All of that makes things tougher.

And listen: I know it must be tougher for married women who are trying to get pregnant and can't. They're ready to become moms and are dealing with something being wrong. I, on the other hand, have no husband and therefore no way to become a mom anyway (okay, no Biblical way). I think, though, that it's a different type of hurt. It's one that doesn't even have the hope of "maybe this month" (although not the monthly sorrow either). Besides, I don't think many people realize how much being motherless can hurt single women, too, so there's a lack of sympathy. After all, if I would just get married.... And since I'm not married, probably I don't really want a baby anyway.

Listen: I'm still a woman. I still have all the womanly desires to have my own baby, to hold her in my arms, to see what she looks like. I have all sorts of mothering instinct welling up inside me with no real outlet, no complete satisfaction.

Please don't tell me that there's a reason for my childlessness. Don't point out all the things I can do with the extra time, or all the ways God can use me in the lives of other people's children. Don't remind me that God is sovereign and that if and when He wills it, I will be a mother, and that His plans for me are best. I know all this. Right now it isn't helping.

This is a big part of what makes life overwhelming for me sometimes. It makes me sad and tired and lonely. And that makes it harder to focus on the rest of life until I feel like I'm just going through the motions and not all that well either.

I know that eventually I'll get past this stage (again). I know that if I just keep going and doing what needs to be done that one day I will realize that it's become easy (again).

Right now, though, all I really want is to be a mom.