A Realization about Life

There has been a wave of weddings lately, and not just any weddings: these are my babies from Sunday School and Junior Church, kids I've known since they were little. They're growing up now. Even the ones I still think of as tiny are entering high school and graduating from high school. It's been a bit overwhelming, and I wasn't sure why.

A friend (whose children are entering all of the above stages) asked why I was having a harder time with it than she was. To be fair, I'm naturally more emotional than she is, and lately I've been in that wonderful stage of womanhood where my emotions are even more pronounced and surface, so there's that. It got me thinking, though, because it seemed to be more than that. I think I've finally figured it out.

I'm mourning for what I will never have.

It was the same when I had to face the knowledge that I will never have babies of my own. I grieved for what I had given up and for the life that I had expected but would never have. And then I moved on and lived the life that I had been given. And I say again (in case anyone has forgotten or doesn't believe me): it's a good life. I like what I've been given, I like having the time to study and to serve the church, and I like who I am. I don't want to change it for anyone else's life.

But. But sometimes it's hard to watch my friends enjoy the life I dreamed of when I was younger. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have been granted marriage and motherhood. And now I'm at the age where I should be watching my children graduate and go to university and get married and go on to live their own wonderful lives.

It's okay. I'm okay. Now that I can see where all these emotions are coming from, I can deal with them and then move on again. And in time, I'll watch all my friends' children go through these stages and rejoice with joy unmixed with sorrow. I know: I've already done it.

And now that I can see what's happening, and that it is likely to happy at various stages (because I really thought that once I dealt with the baby issues, I was good), I'll be better prepared next time it happens. I'm anticipating it already in a few years when my friends become grandparents. And I will mourn again, and then move on to enjoy watching that new stage as well.

Sunday Stuff

Today was the first post-Christmas break Sunday School class. We learned about William Carey and his time in India. I don't know that they understand what a big thing it was for him to leave home and go that far away, to never go home again, and to have months between letters from home. We live in a much smaller world in that way. With email, letters get places so quickly. And we give missionaries breaks now and then. It's a whole different world.

James is preaching through John's gospel now. I'm really enjoying it (but then I love John's gospel).

Our associate pastor is leaving us at the end of the month. They (he and his family) are moving up north (way north) to a church who needs a pastor. I'm sad that they're leaving, of course; I love them and have loved having them here for the past 4 years. At the same time, I realize that we have 2 excellent, godly men as pastors, and there's a church without anyone. They need him in ways that we don't; we have another pastor and the elders, and we will be cared for. I think that I would feel selfish if I insisted that they stay here and leave that other little congregation to take care of themselves.

And now, a hymn for Sunday:

Non-Fiction of 2019

Here are my favourite non-fiction books read in 2019, again mostly in order of when I read them.

1. Hannah Anderson: All That's Good
2. Randy Alcorn: Heaven
3. Tim Challies; The Discipline of Spiritual Discernment (to be exact, I finished it in 2019, although I started it in the previous fall, but it still counts)
4. Owen Strachan: Always in God's Hands: Day by Day in the Company of Jonathan Edwards
5. Janet and Geoff Benge, Christian Heroes Then and Now:
1. Lottie Moon: Giving Her all for China
2. Nate Saint: On a Wing and a Prayer
3. Norman Grubb: Mission Builder
4. Paul Brand: Helping Hands
5. Loren Cunningham: Into all the World
6. Helen Roseveare: Mama Luka
7. Richard Wurmbrand: Love Your Enemies
6. Wendy Horger Alsup: Practical Theology for Women
7. Eric Metaxas: 7 Men and the Secrets of their Greatness and 7 Women and the Secrets of their Greatness
8. Aimee Byrd: Housewife Theologian
9. Richard Rhodes: Hedy's Folly
10. Tara Westover: educated
11. Rebecca VanDoodewaard: Reformation Women
12. Malcolm Gladwell: Talking to Strangers
13. Terry Pratchett: A Slip of the Keyboard
14. Max Eisen: By Chance Alone
15. Michael Farquhar: Bad Days in History
16. Susan Cain: Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Won't Stop Talking

My Favourite Fiction of 2019

As always, these are the books that I read in 2020, not books that were published that year. And they come to you in no particular order (well, to some extent, in the order in which I read them).

1.  Patti Callahan: Becoming Mrs. Lewis
2. Sarah McCoy: The Mapmaker's Children
3. Stuart McLean (it was a bit of a Stuart McLean year):
1. Vinyl Cafe Unplugged
2. Extreme Vinyl Cafe
3. Home from the Vinyl Cafe
4. Secrets from the Vinyl Cafe
4. Noel Streatfeild (also a few; she was a favourite when I was a child, and I am enjoying reading the ones I didn't know about then):
1. Christmas with the Chrystals
2. Christmas Stories
3. Theatre Shoes
4. The Vicarage Family
5. Ballet Shoes for Anna
5. Randy Alcorn: Lord Foulgrin's Letters (a modern Screwtape Letters)
6. Brandon Sanderson: Firefight and Calamity (in which I finally finish the series I started a couple years ago).
7. Megan Whalen Turner: The Thief (I liked it enough that I haven't been able to read the sequels because I'm afraid they won't be as good and I'll be disappointed).
8. Jostein Gaarder: The Christmas Mystery and The Solitaire Mystery