A Realization about Life

There has been a wave of weddings lately, and not just any weddings: these are my babies from Sunday School and Junior Church, kids I've known since they were little. They're growing up now. Even the ones I still think of as tiny are entering high school and graduating from high school. It's been a bit overwhelming, and I wasn't sure why.

A friend (whose children are entering all of the above stages) asked why I was having a harder time with it than she was. To be fair, I'm naturally more emotional than she is, and lately I've been in that wonderful stage of womanhood where my emotions are even more pronounced and surface, so there's that. It got me thinking, though, because it seemed to be more than that. I think I've finally figured it out.

I'm mourning for what I will never have.

It was the same when I had to face the knowledge that I will never have babies of my own. I grieved for what I had given up and for the life that I had expected but would never have. And then I moved on and lived the life that I had been given. And I say again (in case anyone has forgotten or doesn't believe me): it's a good life. I like what I've been given, I like having the time to study and to serve the church, and I like who I am. I don't want to change it for anyone else's life.

But. But sometimes it's hard to watch my friends enjoy the life I dreamed of when I was younger. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have been granted marriage and motherhood. And now I'm at the age where I should be watching my children graduate and go to university and get married and go on to live their own wonderful lives.

It's okay. I'm okay. Now that I can see where all these emotions are coming from, I can deal with them and then move on again. And in time, I'll watch all my friends' children go through these stages and rejoice with joy unmixed with sorrow. I know: I've already done it.

And now that I can see what's happening, and that it is likely to happy at various stages (because I really thought that once I dealt with the baby issues, I was good), I'll be better prepared next time it happens. I'm anticipating it already in a few years when my friends become grandparents. And I will mourn again, and then move on to enjoy watching that new stage as well.