On Being a Grown Up

Well, it had to happen eventually.

Last Sunday at the end of the service we were singing a hymn, one that is slower, more contemplative....usually. In fact, it started off that way, and then suddenly the drums picked up and it all sped up and it was different, and it struck me as not quite right. Actually, it jarred me enough that it was difficult to focus on the words. I realized then that I might not be part of the younger generation anymore. (For the record: I don't entirely object to the drums, although I might if we had them every week and during every hymn. It is the idea that they belong in every song, and that they can make contemplation and focus on the words difficult.)

Then one day I was listening to Great Big Sea and they got to Consequence Free, and I thought, how incredibly immature and stupid. I want to live like what I do does, in fact, matter. Furthermore, the only reason to live consequence free is to give in to whatever desires you have with no thought for the future. And yet there might have been a time that I agreed with them.

Today I went to the elder's house to write an exam. Afterwards, we were talking about school and such, and about the younger generation and their lives. They are the ones who tend to continue in school longer than the rest of us did. They travel more than most of us have (although some of my generation traveled a lot as well, but I think fewer of us and for a shorter period of time). They work overseas a lot, often using work as a way to fund their travels: work to make some money, then travel and play, then work wherever they happen to be. They don't settle down as soon. And it's not necessarily a bad thing; it's just different.

And I.... I am settled down. Although sometimes I would like to travel more and work overseas and see stuff, I think settling down is a good thing. I have a full time job and responsibilities both at work and at church. I might be one of the least settled of all my friends, being single and childless with the freedom that brings, and yet I feel settled, at least for this time in my life. I could pull up stakes and travel, but I feel some responsibility to the church and to the children there, who are my ministry. It surprised me when I realized that because I had always though that being single meant that if I wanted to move on I could; now I know that it won't be that easy.

It just finally struck me that I'm not part of the younger generation. I know they're younger in many ways; I hire and train and work with them, so I should have seen it sooner. I think that I spend enough time with older people and married people that I felt younger and not as settled. Today, though, the elder referred to us as being in the same stage of life; we're the older ones and they are the younger generation. The thing is....he's around fifty, so if we're in the same grouping then I must be a grown up. And of course I have been for many years. It's just that I still don't feel old enough to be one of them, and certainly not mature enough!

There are times when I'm sitting in my office running the centre or I'm explaining things to parents and they assure me that I'm the expert or I'm telling my teachers what I expect of them and expecting them to comply... and all the while I'm wondering how I became the boss anyway. It happens in church too, when I give the teenagers a command and they obey or the parents ask me for advice on homeschooling and I know the answers or I realize that I'm training the next generation of teachers... and I realize how much I don't know and how young I feel.

Sometimes I want to go back. The responsibility scares me: what if I mess up? We all know it's going to happen. But of course there's no going back short of walking away from everyone and everything and drifting from place to place, and I can't do that. I belong here.

Maybe it has nothing to do with age or feeling. Maybe it's all about taking responsibility for myself and my actions, and about understanding that there's more to like than what I want. Maybe it's about realizing the benefits of settling down and being involved in the lives of others and doing for others.

I don't know. All I know is that all the evidence adds up to one thing: I'm a grown up and no longer part of the younger generation. I just wish I knew when it happened.